The movie is a remake of a 1949 classic of the same name and is based on the real-life events of a shipwreck off the coast of a Scottish island and the unauthorized plundering of its many cases of whisky by opportunistic locals. (Well, could you blame them?)
I watched the trailer and immediately texted my friend, Jess, who I knew would share in the over-excitement. Unfortunately, Jess was stuck in a German airport with bad wi-fi and so couldn't watch it. I really wanted her to share in the gloriousness that is the Whisky Galore! trailer so, instead, I decided I would text her with a detailed retelling. And this is what happened...
Jess: What?!?? Does this really even exist?!?! Can it be real??
Me: Yes, it's real!! I just watched the trailer!
Jess: Why are we not watching it right now?
Me: Well I don't know when the movie will be released.
Jess: I haven't even watched the trailer yet (in an airport with bad wi-fi) so my excitement is based on your description alone!!!
Me: Ok. I will give you a blow-by-blow account.
So it opens with a wide-shot of a little Scottish island with some plaintive Scottish music playing in the background. Underneath are the words "On a remote Scottish island..."
"...at the height of World War II..." *more plaintive music*
Then we see an assortment of Scottish people plaintively looking out to sea. It appears they are waiting for a ship to come in.
An official looking man declares "There's no more whisky." Everyone looks deeply upset. (understandable) *plaintive music intensifies*
Everyone goes home saying things like "To an islander, life without whisky just isn't worth living."
There's a horse drawing a coffin for some reason.
I suspect some of the islanders have really taken that sentiment to heart.
Suddenly, a fishing trawler appears and the music cheers up immeasurably. The islanders appear to be cheered up too.
A dishy looking uniformed chap appears. IT'S OLLIE!! IN A UNIFORM!!* I should take this opportunity to tell you his character's name is "Sergeant Odd." Jess, we cannot see this movie soon enough!
He embraces the local lassie. Behind them, a behatted and bespectacled town elder looks on suspiciously.
I can't imagine why. Jealousy? I know I'd want Ollie to embrace me like that, too.
Jess: This is the reason WhatsApp exists. This is utterly glorious.
Me: And we're only 24 seconds in!
Then we see Ollie, aka Sergeant Odd, and his lassie riding bikes by the seaside. Happy bastards.
We then see a different, attractive couple making eyes at each other.
The town elder appears visibly upset.
He says something like "Och, is there no end to it?!" He doesn't want anyone to be happy. I understand this man.
Jess: Oh my God, the pain in his eyes is palpable. That's some A+ eye acting.
(My sister, Kate, who is in the WhatsApp group message, chimes in at this point.)
Kate: The A+ eye acting is from Rab C. Nesbitt.
Me: He was in Love Actually as well. The old rock star's manager.
Kate: Oh yeah!!
We then see what appears to be a classroom. There's an old battle axe of a woman scolding the young man from the second attractive couple.
Don't fuck with this woman.
She's basically telling him "If you bring that scarlet-lipped hussy round this place you are dead to me." She means business.
This guy (I'm going to call him Cow Lick) looks sad and slightly scared.
I would be too, Cow Lick.
Next, we see Battle Axe inexplicably telling Eddie Izzard that nobody is going to make her son eat human flesh. I don't understand why he would have to?!
I think there is some A+ eyebrow acting going on here.
And then Eddie's all like "Bitch, you cray!" Yay Eddie!!
Kate: Trust me, in some of those outer Scottish islands, human flesh was a definite menu option!
Me: Yrch!
Then Battle Axe slams the door in Eddie's face. Rude!
Uh oh! Storm hits the island!
A trawler unwittingly crashes into a big pile of rocks!!
The crew of the trawler are rescued by a little fishing boat. It turns out their cargo was 50,000 cases of whisky destined for New York. Huzzah! Seems like the alcohol gods are smiling on the island.
Cut to Eddie marching officiously around town with, who appears to be, a confused Mark Gatiss? Maybe? He likes to be in these types of things, doesn't he?
Jess: I'm fairly sure that guy is at least 4 foot shorter than Mark Gatiss!
Kate: Maybe he's far away!
Me: or maybe Mark Gatiss is FAR AWAY
Haha, snap!
Anyway, Eddie believes he has to stop the Scottish wildlings from looting all the whisky or else anarchy will ensue.
Fair enough, Eddie, but drunken anarchy is so much FUN.
Cut to Sergeant Hot, I mean, Odd, staring out to sea for some reason.
Jess: Oh man, this is seriously stopping me from having a post-Brexit returning-to-Britain breakdown.
Me: See Britain can be good sometimes! And Eddie and Ollie are proving that.
Jess: Ooooh, Ollie gives good stare.
Uh oh. Those three guys behind him are advancing on him suspiciously.
And for some reason I don't think it's to give him a big kiss. Which would be my first instinct if I caught Ollie by himself staring out to sea, to be honest.
I think we can all agree that Ollie is a very compelling starer. *nods enthusiastically*
Kate: Nods!
A lot of the locals are stealing into little fishing boats in the dead of night.
I presume it's to rescue all the poor shipwrecked cases of whisky.
Kate: Naturally! Have YOU ever tried keeping a Scot away from a large stash of free whisky?!
Rescue mission is a success! They have found the cases of whisky and looked very pleased with themselves.
They've managed to sneak 50,000 cases of whisky on to their shitty fishing boats without causing a stir. These guys are whisky ninjas! Three cheers for Scotland!
Kate: Hip hip huzzah!
The whole town is working together loading the crates from the boats to the trucks and then carrying them on their backs into the town.
It's lovely to see such strong, community spirit in action. (pun INtended.)
By the way, Scotland looks just gorgeous here.
Now all the locals are very happy and having a lively ceilidh, naturally...
I wonder where bespectacled town elder got to? I'm sure he wouldn't be too pleased with all the ensuing merriment.
Another young couple are busily kissing outside. Then the girl pours whisky all over the poor, unsuspecting lad's head. What is wrong with you?!?! Why would you waste perfectly good whisky like that?? Get out of Scotland!!
Eddie continues his ceaseless marching around the island. Surely he must be getting tired by now?
Kate: Eddie is training for his next marathon.
Cut to a montage of the islanders sneaking the whisky under Eddie's nose. Hiding it in tea pots and in holes in walls, etc.
The town elder appears to be mollified somewhat with the abundance of free whisky.
Kate: Mollified / mildly sedated - poe-tato / puh-tato.
An action shot of Ollie riding a bike down a hill for some reason.
Look at his shiny hair!
The 1940s look good on him.
Eddie and his crew find empty whisky bottles strewn around the island. They are suitably suspicious.
They then find a crazed islander who can shoot birds out of the sky. I don't really know how this relates to the plot.
Does Eddie want to shoot islanders he catches sneaking whisky? Seems a bit extreme?! He really wants all the whisky off this island. Maybe Eddie is the Nigel Farage of whisky.
I know they're adapting the remake to be a modern social commentary so this must be what it means.
Eddie then begins maniacally driving around the island making "go faster" noises. They are chasing down Ollie and his lassie.
They don't seem to GAF though.
Nice bum shot ;)
Jess: I was going through security!
The "Nigel Farage of whisky" is my favourite description ever.
Oooh, bum shot eh?
I came back just in time!
Awh! Cow Lick and Red Lips are getting married! And the locals are making an archway for them out of whisky bottles because Scotland.
Oh, wait. Maybe they're just the best man and maid of honour.
Kate: Fingers crossed!
Me: ...hopefully...
And everyone is very happy...
...except for this bitch.
The End!
Me: Hope you liked my commentary!
Kate: I'm a little sorry it's finished!
Me: Well I don't know about you guys but I thoroughly enjoyed writing that!
Kate: I loved it!!
Jess: Oh my God. This has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Sile, you're a genius and I love you like Sam Winchester loves research.
Me: I love you like Dean Winchester loves pie!
Jess:<3 <3 <3
